selah...chapter 49

it was at camp , the summer of 1980...when i figured out how little people can potentially give a flying fuck about each other .

i was sitting under an apple tree...an apple fell off and broke my head into two equal pieces .

a crow flew by .

selah...chapter 48

i talked to an angel , waiting for a ferry...as young people trolled in the water .

...it was a sunny day...my friend had issues .

selah...chapter 47

any ass hole can register for university...i pre-registered...BUT FIRST...to the second hand clothing store !!! where you buy yourself a new university identity .

you should have seen the used dill-do selection .

selah...chapter 46

i saw my first angel when i was 17...he told me to eat my vegetables and fruit...i pondered these things .

selah...chapter 45

remember...god is good...his " people "...will fuck you up .

selah...chapter 44

the first thing you do after god becomes a permanent fixture upon your emotional landscape...is to love someone more than yourself .

...batteries not included .

selah...chapter 43

first of all...those who perceive love as an emotion are absolutely stupid...the last thing it is is an emotion...in fact...obey the '' emotion of love ''...let it guide you...and see how fast you end up in the shit house .

love is , among other things...an eternal path .

selah...chapter 42

in terms of your journey toward love...the best thing to do...take a first step and do not look back.

selah...chapter 41

god is love...tread lightly , anyway .

selah...chapter 40

the first thing you must understand about god...is that his toaster is more efficient than yours...and he may just rub that in once in a while .

the second thing is that...he really does appreciate compliments...even if they are complete and utter bullshit .

selah...chapter 39

i went to church and threatened the entire congregation...and that is how i found GOD .

selah...chapter 38

the fact of the matter is that the universe has not ended...but nor has it actually begun .

the universe is simply fucking around , biding its time...getting reality to get off its fuzzy chair and do its thing...that is to say...the universe is loading up into FUCK - UP mode...and i am sure we will all be impressed .

selah...chapter 37

some feel that the universe ended in 1975...and now it is up to us to catch up to its demise .


...it really shouldn't take too long .

selah...chapter 36

it was the summer of 1973...THE SUMMER OF THE DINOSAURS...my favourite song was...STAY AWAY , JOE...by THE KING...KING OF THE DINOSAURS .

there was a broken bubble gum machine...i robber the fuckers blind...then chewed my ass off .

selah...chapter 35

i played hockey...i was the net minder...my step brother did the same thing for the other team...people watched like sexual perverts...we won...me and all those other fellers .

god was there...somewhere .

selah...chapter 34

the first time i saw a demon i was twelve years old...he chopped his buddies head off with an axe while the other tribe members watched .

i felt compelled to get some pop corn and butter .

selah...chapter 33

one of the greatest thrills in life is fishing mackerel...you put on some soft music...which , of course...compels them to jump onto the wharf ...then they grab a knife and slit their own throats.

selah...chapter 32

the summers of 1974 and 1975...were the summers of '' the streak ''...there were no aliens involved .

selah...chapter 31

in the 70's...a penis measuring contest was not out of line...unless you murdered the loser .

selah...chapter 30

what brought us together ??? explosives and yellow cats .

selah...chapter 29

my favourite holiday of the year was  ''possum day'' ...that is when l got in touch with the possum within...and the other ones as well .

selah...chapter 28

i was eleven years old when i had my first date...it was with a tennis raquet...i stuck it in my hand and swang at the ball like it was a turd in a parallel dimension made out of shit .

three cats stopped and watched .

selah...chapter 27

my only goal in five years of hockey was when the referee did not see the puck  inside the net...i took it out and shoved it back in like a penis...then skated around with my hands in the air...a real fucking hero !!!

i think the ref was actually a tad stoned .

selah...chapter 26

next chapter...my mother is talking to my doctor...he was saying something about being '''asthma free''  by the time i hit puberty .

next scene...there i was...age 12...being rushed to the hospital...almost fucking died .

i could see my spirit leaving my body...it was masturbating on top of the nurse...the doctor was drunk .

...but did i really survive ???

selah...chapter 25

i went to CAMP LONG CLOUD when i was 10 or so...there was this guy there named EGG HEAD...they made me wash dishes...EGGHEAD sucked at soccer .

the best bit was when some dude told stories about useless shit as we sat around the fire fidgeting with our balls under the blanket .

selah...chapter 24

the best quality of a haunted clock is also the worst...it's haunted .

selah...chapter 23

when my mother and i moved away...there was no cable t. v ...but i did steal a haunted clock...and that was almost as good .

selah...chapter 22

there is no happier moment in a boy's life...than when his parents get divorced .

the squirrels dance from branch to branch .

selah...chapter 21

PUPUNOUS RAG - PIE...will judge you for buying a pocket pussy...forgetting that she was the one that sold it to you  in the first place .

selah...chapter 20

i remember my first day of school...the teacher asked me what one plus one was...i called her a bitch .

apparently...that was incorrect .

selah...chapter 19

p . r . introduced me to bigfoot...that would come in handy later in life .

selah...chapter 18

then he went fishing with a stick of dynamite...( saved a worms life that way ) .

selah...chapter 17

then there was the time when he stuck a gun into his neighbour's face and proceeded to tell him that he was taking his wife .

i couldn't stop laughing over that one .