selah...part 3...chapter 100

so there i am...a coffee in one hand and big foot having a shit all over the runway in the other...( though how he ever got there till this day is a mystery ) .

I SCRATCH MY ASS...I EVER SO CALMLY MEANDER TO MY SPACESHIP...TIME TO DO SOME FUCKED UP SHIT AND WRITE A BOOK ABOUT IT .


...BASTARD WINDOWS...find it yourself .

...luv stu

selah...part 3...chapter 99

next...do a somersault off the squirrel powered jet engine  air plane that has now landed the wrong way up and its crew completely naked and screwing in the isle .

selah...part 3...chapter 98

next move...skip down the road of life until you play your banjo so much that your fingertips bleed .

selah...part 3...chapter 97

the new stu...one suffering from..." too much shit thrown at me and i think the world has gone mad disease '' .

first move...get a little red riding hood complete with a retarded camel  costume...and a pound of hash .

selah...part 3...chapter 96

i considered prayerfully what to do with my life...then it came to me : SCARE THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE .

...and there was much rejoicing .

selah...part 3...chapter 95

bottom line...i went from one church to another...the second one was named...post traumatic stress .

...boy , could he hold his booze .

selah...part 3...chapter 94

remember when godzilla went to the moon...and ate the whole fucking thing ??? but the government covered it up...because the president was '' in on it '' or something ???

same in church...godzilla ate my left nut , and everyone was praying that he would eat the other one .

...but i had a secret weapon...i would have sex with everyone in the mental hospital while they were playing ping - pong .

selah...part 3...chapter 93

FUCK THIS...I AM OUTTA HERE .

selah...part 3...chapter 92

true story...a pack of old...horse shit eating church elders...hid in a demon possessed church attic to see if a neighbouring minister and his gang of hoodlums would break in and steal their dead cat collection , and their erotic monkey heads .

selah...part 3...chapter 91

i stole THE $1000 CUP...long story short...it turned out i owned it anyway .

october  31 1994...time to leave religion .

selah...part 3...chapter 90

...got home just in time for a really shitty wedding .

if it hadn't been for the crocodile...it would have been fucking horrible .

selah...part3...chapter 89

during this adventure...one of the greatest prophies ever spoken over me was spoken :

" run , forest run '' .

...and i did .

selah...part 3...chapter 88

as the sun went down and the desert animals retreated into their own private universe...we pronounced paul and his beautiful wife , debby...forever wed and forever one .

which reminds me of the easiest battle i ever fought...alcoholism .

but that is another story .

selah...part 3...chapter 87

the summer of 1994 consisted of me travelling across north america and eventually finding myself in THE BIG PENIS...or...as referred to by others...los angeles .

there we ate hamburgers .

selah...part 3...chapter 86

as we grow we see things differently...like ghosts and breasts .

the summer of 1994 was my time of lining up with eternity...just ask the squirrels or dead moose on the side of the road .

selah...part 3...chapter 85

get this...my community sent me on a vacation the summer of 1994...i took a picture of a bear at one point...( we became friends )...and when the picture got back...there was no bear .

i changed his name to MYSTERY .

selah...part 3...chapter 84

late 1982...got about a billion people in our CIRCLE OF FRIENDS...enters love...you know , the kind of love with a hard penis and THE BEST OF DAVID GATES AND BREAD .

i really didn't deserve her...and she adjusted her internal compass appropriately .

selah...part 3...chapter 83

the funny thing about the moment that is going to change your life forever...is you don't see it coming ...it just hangs there in the sky like a flying saucer .

nothing in this universe punches as hard as love .

selah...part 3...chapter 82

figure this one out...the first time i preached at THE WHITE CHURCH...cost me a hand job .

selah...part 3...chapter 81

by summer 1991...i became aware of two things...my testicles could not get through the church door...and the next door neighbours ate too much pie .

selah...part 3...chapter 80

the first thing you have to know about white people is...they believe sex is below them .

i mean...technically they are right...if billy is on top...then sex is indeed below them .

my first sermon was entitled...shake your COCK - A - DOODLE - DO...jesus is coming back .

selah...part 3...chapter 79

i started working with  THE WHITE CHURCH , january 1990...(and when i say white...i mean fucking white ) .

selah...part 2...chapter 78

i either got fired or i quit...one of the two...ANYWAY...spent the summer at a place called BAYSIDE...a camp designed for young adults with serious control issues...but i will save that for another story .

selah...part 2...chapter 77

it was june when it all went to hell...we had a " board meeting ''...i told them about a kid that jumped off the bridge...their reply...'' how many girls do you have in intermediate basketball ??? ''

...from that day on...it just got fuckier and fuckier .

selah... part 2...chapter 76

the thing about religions freaks is that they fire you over a period of time...it is FUNNER that way .

fun - joy they call it .

selah part 2...chapter 75

it was time...time for smoky the bear to get a new water postal...time for reality to wear a new cloak of bullshit....time to gouge out another piece of my flesh and stick it on a highway post .

is this the end of stu strang and the inner-city yutt club ??? hold your bird...cradle your testicles and let us find out :

selah...part 2...chapter 74

...after the emotional flogging...we went to see PETER PAN  .

...THE PAN HAD BEEN STOLEN .

selah...part 2...chapter 73

CHRISTMAS...the kids fuck everything up...do UNGODLY shit with the hot dogs...then some ''old bat'' accuses me of drinking all day instead of pushing kids off of bridges and recording the " splat '' ...or something like that .

...she didn't even open the vibrator i got her for self - maintenance .

selah...part 2...chapter 72

i dressed all the south end girls in GHETTO...then got THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS to smell their feet .

...my plan worked !!!

selah...part 2...chapter 71

...do you know what an ANGLICAN CHURCH needs ??? a dead cat to check the lost and found .

selah...part 2...chapter 70

do you want to know why i rigged a lottery ??? because i fucking felt like it , that ' s why .

i told the fucking BOARD OF DIRECTORS that i tried to stop a kid from jumping off of the billion foot bridge...and do you know what they said ??? how many girls are going to intermediate basketball , that 's what .

screw '' em all...and just for the record...basketball sucks .

selah...part 2...chapter 69

in may of 1991...i fuck - a - lee - duck - duck - ed my way into THE DOWNTOWN JESUS DISPATCHER and rigged a bicycle lottery and a walk - a - thong .

the kids remained faithful and loyal to their drugs .

selah...part 2...chapter 68

pinball is a lot like masturbation...but more expensive .

as a boy...i would fuck-a-lee-duck duck down to the shopping centre just to play a few games... pinball , that is...the other game would have to wait .

there were big ruff guys there...nobody wanted to try their luck .

i still remember buying my first copy of RUMOURS...Stevie Nicks , to me...looked like the kind of lady who would have an alpine hound or two .

selah...part 2...chapter 67

one of my favourite chapters of my life was...arcade pinball...right after the spiritual segment of our SATURDAY NIGHT .

often accompanied with a meat sandwich...we would let that fucker rip .

the machine would shake so intensely...that some of the WIZARDS would get a hard - on .

selah...part 2...chapter 66

for months THE OCTOPUS 5 would play football and in a large rectangle object we refer to as a gym...then it happened...we gave birth...and were now...THE OCTOPUS 6 .

we celebrated with cake .

selah...part 2...chapter 65

in the spring of 1991...all the little fuckers were gone...all but five...we refer to these as THE OCTOPUS 5...we still do not know why .

selah...part 2...chapter 64

beautiful downtown halifax...a 300 pound pop cycle fell 10 stories out of the sky and missed my frontal lobe by inches...batman was nowhere to be seen .

selah...part 2...chapter 63

spring came...or was winter just breathing fast ???

selah...part 2...chapter 62

the year ended with a room full of stuffed animals...and one solitary church mouse fucking around , looking for a crumb or two .

i preached , anyway...this sermon was entitled...FUCK THE WINTER STORM .

( there was a winter storm ) .

selah...part 2...chapter 61

the high point of year one was some dumb fuck walking into a ''selah service''...holding my girlfriend with his paws .

coincidentally...the sermon was entitled...'' DON'T FUCK AROUND WITH THE PASTOR'S GIRLFRIEND '' .

selah...part 2...chapter 60

we ate turkey...it was good .

selah...part 2...chapter 59

...in leaving TOWNSVILLE , AUSTRALIA...i gave a friend my cassette player...( i couldn't fit the fucking thing in my case , if truth be known )...anyway...a mother's intuition comes through as i am presented with the very gift i gave away .

...we fuck around with X - mas shit...then to john anderson's place...just to say a quick HELLO...and to get some lowdown on the eternal universe of tennis .

selah...part 2...chapter 58

when you get off a plane after an extended two year trip...the first thing you look for is alignment in the universe...you know ??? like the song being played in the terminal is the one playing in your ears .

suffice to say...my universe is so well aligned...i can actually pop in and see the fabric of at least two or three parallel universes...but more on that later .

as for now...i swim back to halifax on the coldest night of the year .

selah...part 2...chapter 57

...so i stepped off the air-plane...a tad overweight...in the words of john denver...'' hey it is good to be back home , you hen ''...or something like that .

selah...chapter 56

in case you wondered...more AUSTRALIANS do screw kangaroo's than AMERICAN'S...but that is probably just because there are so many around .

there is nothing hornier than an AUSTRALIAN BIBLE COLLEGE student .

selah...chapter 55

did you ever watch THE ORIGINAL MUPPET MOVIE ??? well , they sang this song , entitled...MOVING RIGHT ALONG somewhere in the middle...and that is what i did...packed my shit  and moved right along to AUSTRALIA .

i still remember the day i arrived...greeted at the airport in a small car propelled by midgets...what time is it boys and girls ??? time to repress your sexuality time .

these fuckers were pentecostals and they meant business .

( i would have to do a lot of moving right along ) .

selah...chapter 54

...not too long afterword...the club house burned down .

...( the place where i had my first tia maria ) .

...the raccoons were blamed...but i know better .

selah...chapter 53

my brother's funeral was in the middle of newfoundland...it was attended by myself , my father...and members of the FREEDOM RIDERS , a backwards motorbike outfit who perfected the art of fornication .

selah...chapter 52

just in case it was unclear...in the last chapter...i had a premonition of my brother's death , hours before he died...i simply told my friends i had to go home and proceeded to " thumb a ride'' through the cool september morning .

selah...chapter 51

essentially , we began the same day my brother died in september 1986 .

i hitch - hiked home on the hood of some drunk guy ' s  car...( not all the way , though ) .

at four in the morning the phone rang...it was my father with the news ...that being...my brother had drowned and they were still looking for the body .

(  probably to extract the alcohol )  .

selah...chapter 50

our first sermon was on UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...and so it continued...until it pissed off everyone .

selah...chapter 49

it was at camp , the summer of 1980...when i figured out how little people can potentially give a flying fuck about each other .

i was sitting under an apple tree...an apple fell off and broke my head into two equal pieces .

a crow flew by .

selah...chapter 48

i talked to an angel , waiting for a ferry...as young people trolled in the water .

...it was a sunny day...my friend had issues .

selah...chapter 47

any ass hole can register for university...i pre-registered...BUT FIRST...to the second hand clothing store !!! where you buy yourself a new university identity .

you should have seen the used dill-do selection .

selah...chapter 46

i saw my first angel when i was 17...he told me to eat my vegetables and fruit...i pondered these things .

selah...chapter 45

remember...god is good...his " people "...will fuck you up .

selah...chapter 44

the first thing you do after god becomes a permanent fixture upon your emotional landscape...is to love someone more than yourself .

...batteries not included .

selah...chapter 43

first of all...those who perceive love as an emotion are absolutely stupid...the last thing it is is an emotion...in fact...obey the '' emotion of love ''...let it guide you...and see how fast you end up in the shit house .

love is , among other things...an eternal path .

selah...chapter 42

in terms of your journey toward love...the best thing to do...take a first step and do not look back.

selah...chapter 41

god is love...tread lightly , anyway .

selah...chapter 40

the first thing you must understand about god...is that his toaster is more efficient than yours...and he may just rub that in once in a while .

the second thing is that...he really does appreciate compliments...even if they are complete and utter bullshit .

selah...chapter 39

i went to church and threatened the entire congregation...and that is how i found GOD .

selah...chapter 38

the fact of the matter is that the universe has not ended...but nor has it actually begun .

the universe is simply fucking around , biding its time...getting reality to get off its fuzzy chair and do its thing...that is to say...the universe is loading up into FUCK - UP mode...and i am sure we will all be impressed .

selah...chapter 37

some feel that the universe ended in 1975...and now it is up to us to catch up to its demise .


...it really shouldn't take too long .

selah...chapter 36

it was the summer of 1973...THE SUMMER OF THE DINOSAURS...my favourite song was...STAY AWAY , JOE...by THE KING...KING OF THE DINOSAURS .

there was a broken bubble gum machine...i robber the fuckers blind...then chewed my ass off .

selah...chapter 35

i played hockey...i was the net minder...my step brother did the same thing for the other team...people watched like sexual perverts...we won...me and all those other fellers .

god was there...somewhere .

selah...chapter 34

the first time i saw a demon i was twelve years old...he chopped his buddies head off with an axe while the other tribe members watched .

i felt compelled to get some pop corn and butter .

selah...chapter 33

one of the greatest thrills in life is fishing mackerel...you put on some soft music...which , of course...compels them to jump onto the wharf ...then they grab a knife and slit their own throats.

selah...chapter 32

the summers of 1974 and 1975...were the summers of '' the streak ''...there were no aliens involved .

selah...chapter 31

in the 70's...a penis measuring contest was not out of line...unless you murdered the loser .

selah...chapter 30

what brought us together ??? explosives and yellow cats .

selah...chapter 29

my favourite holiday of the year was  ''possum day'' ...that is when l got in touch with the possum within...and the other ones as well .

selah...chapter 28

i was eleven years old when i had my first date...it was with a tennis raquet...i stuck it in my hand and swang at the ball like it was a turd in a parallel dimension made out of shit .

three cats stopped and watched .

selah...chapter 27

my only goal in five years of hockey was when the referee did not see the puck  inside the net...i took it out and shoved it back in like a penis...then skated around with my hands in the air...a real fucking hero !!!

i think the ref was actually a tad stoned .

selah...chapter 26

next chapter...my mother is talking to my doctor...he was saying something about being '''asthma free''  by the time i hit puberty .

next scene...there i was...age 12...being rushed to the hospital...almost fucking died .

i could see my spirit leaving my body...it was masturbating on top of the nurse...the doctor was drunk .

...but did i really survive ???

selah...chapter 25

i went to CAMP LONG CLOUD when i was 10 or so...there was this guy there named EGG HEAD...they made me wash dishes...EGGHEAD sucked at soccer .

the best bit was when some dude told stories about useless shit as we sat around the fire fidgeting with our balls under the blanket .

selah...chapter 24

the best quality of a haunted clock is also the worst...it's haunted .

selah...chapter 23

when my mother and i moved away...there was no cable t. v ...but i did steal a haunted clock...and that was almost as good .

selah...chapter 22

there is no happier moment in a boy's life...than when his parents get divorced .

the squirrels dance from branch to branch .

selah...chapter 21

PUPUNOUS RAG - PIE...will judge you for buying a pocket pussy...forgetting that she was the one that sold it to you  in the first place .

selah...chapter 20

i remember my first day of school...the teacher asked me what one plus one was...i called her a bitch .

apparently...that was incorrect .

selah...chapter 19

p . r . introduced me to bigfoot...that would come in handy later in life .

selah...chapter 18

then he went fishing with a stick of dynamite...( saved a worms life that way ) .

selah...chapter 17

then there was the time when he stuck a gun into his neighbour's face and proceeded to tell him that he was taking his wife .

i couldn't stop laughing over that one .

selah...chapter 16

p .r . was one of the most exciting parts of my life...for example...shooting at his next door neighbour's house...great for a laugh...the guy was a hoot .

selah...chapter 15

by the age of six...i thought my name was NUMB NUTS .

selah...chapter 14

p .r . was my father's best friend...every time i saw  him he was missing another finger...i assume he shoved his penis in the car door as well...i just have no proof .

...they would hang out together all night long and make bullets .

selah...chapter 13

...and then there was the poster of FRANKENSTEIN on out bedroom wall...it scares the fuck out of me...i believe it was there to teach us to be fearless .

...it did not work .

selah...chapter 12

one of my favourite moments growing up in THE STRANG HOUSEHOLD...was watching my brother ice- skate when he forgot to take off his skating blades...he would slide and slip like a drunken baby deer all over the fucking place...and then...when he finally ''got his shit together ''...he would beat the living crap out of the other players for making him look bad .

he usually snuck up behind them so they didn't even see it coming .

selah...chapter 11

dad also through the dog out of the house...right through the fucking floor...for a brief second...the dog looked like a super-hero .

...he was not .

...nor was my father .

selah chapter...10

we ate...dad got drunk and threw things...it was poetic watching knives dance through the air...the sun hitting the cold steel just right .

selah chapter...9

dad thought it was funny...religion needs more funny .

selah...chapter 8

every spiritual journey has a beginning...mine was running away from church and fucking up the sunday school teacher .

a policeman bought me a bag of candy...he was far more kind than that god - dam preacher .

selah... chapter 7

at age six , the high point of my week was THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES...the other high point would be GILLIGAN'S ISLAND...but for a completely different reason...that is to say...i wanted to see GILLIGAN murdered and , possibly even torn apart .

it never happened .

selah...chapter 6

figuring out ''false prophets'' was one of our greatest accomplishments...who would have thought we wouldn't give a fuck .

selah...chapter 5

when i came home from the hospital...i was to discover that i had a three year old brother who was very violent...in fact...he would run around the house wearing a ''t'' - shirt...with a giant '' v '' tight on the middle of the front .

his claim to fame would be smearing peanut butter right on the end of his penis...

the teacher was amused .

selah...chapter 4

i was born in halifax nova scotia...the doctor had cold hands...his wife was a drug addict .

selah...chapter 3

the third child lasted a week...the fourth...not much longer...and so it goes...until child number eleven...

...and this is where our story begins...child number eleven...THE MYSTERY CHILD .

selah...chapter 2

so they had another child...he , however , at three days old...died of alcohol poisoning .

selah...chapter 1

a long time ago...in a galaxy very , very close...so close , in fact...it made other galaxies seem either lost or non - existent...or a bit of both...a child was born .

unfortunately , he was run over at birth .